Solocast: 5 Lessons from 25 Years of Marriage

In this episode, Dawn Baker reflects on 25 years of marriage. She offers five concepts that she thinks have helped her marriage stand the test of time. Stay tuned for insights  beyond the typical advice of "go on date nights" and "keep open communication."

Links mentioned in this episode:

Subscribe to the email list - https://www.practicebalance.com/getintouch

Take the 5 Love Languages test - https://5lovelanguages.com

Self-compassion recordings and resources - https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices

Get in touch with Dawn: 

• On Instagram @practicebalance
• On the web practicebalance.com
• Buy the book Lean Out

Transcript

0:01

Welcome to the lean out podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Don baker. Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance? You've come to the right. Place. For inspiration. information. and a community. community. of like-minded. Professionals. Let's get to the show. Hello? Hello. Thanks for being here. So recently we got baby chicks on our homestead. 24 to be exact. And we had been raising them on our greenhouse in a little brooding pen. We're about to transition them to their outside coop and outdoor mobile chicken setup. I'm finally feeling like a legit homesteader. I have to tell you, it's kind of funny. We really felt like posers for a couple of years. And now that we've got a skid steer, multiple trailers, a UTV and chickens. What's up next? I don't know. But I can tell you that I share little tidbits about this kind of life. Each time I send out my newsletter to my email list. If you like hearing the updates and also want to receive notifications about this podcast. Useful links to things that I've been reading or listening to and products I've been loving. Then go over to practice balance.com/get in touch and put your email address into the purple box. You'll also receive a free core values exercise for joining the list. I only send approximately two emails a month. So I promise I will not be clogging your inbox. Back to the chickens. They're almost full grown now and it's been. Really fun to experience and nurture them into adulthood. This leads me to what I want to talk about today. We all take care of things. We nurture our children as they grow our pets, other animals, our gardens. And our intimate relationships are the same. They require work and nurturing to see growth and benefits. There's a great quote by Nevada. it says a fit body, a calm mind, a house full of love. These things cannot be bought. They must be earned. This past week, my husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary. That's a long time to be married. The modern statistics still say roughly half of first marriages end in divorce and it's more for second marriages. So I feel like we're winning in some way. I'm so grateful for my marriage, but I will say it is not easy. Just like other things in life, it takes work, but it's so worth it. Today. I'd like to share five concepts that I think have helped us weather, the storms of along. Relationship and get to the point where we are today. Number one. Except that your relationship does not have to look like others. Uh, not like ones in the movies, not those of your parents, your siblings, or your friends. In the early part of our relationship and our marriage. I had a hard time with this. When we started dating, we were 19 and I had a very media shaped idea in my head of what a good relationship look like. I had also rarely seen my parents fight. Later. I figured they must have hid their fights from us, but at the time I thought a good relationship meant no arguments and the man buying lots of guests for. For the women, et cetera. Reality set in when my then boyfriend and I frequently had disagreements. Over time. We learned to argue in a healthy way, but part of our longevity was me letting go of this idea that having a fight means our relationship is doomed. Another thing is we don't tend to go on traditional dates. We did do it a lot in the beginning of our relationship and in the beginning of our marriage, but now it really doesn't fit into our lifestyle. But for a while, it would bug me. And I would say we need to go on a date and then I'd remember that we spend quite a bit more time together than the average couple, because we both have a little bit more freedom in our schedules. We spent years together climbing, traveling the world, snowboarding, hiking. Going to the gym and doing other activities together. So why do those not count as dates spending quality time? Doesn't have to mean getting dressed up and going out to dinner. If that's what you like to spend your time doing? That is fine. But if you like doing other activities together, your dates can look different. Number two, don't keep score. Uh, marriage is not a 50 50 arrangement. It's so much more dynamic than that. Early on in our relationship as a young feminist woman, I had an idea that things were supposed to be 50, 50. But over time I realized this is not at all realistic and it costs me hours of my life living in resentment. They say resentment is like taking a poison and expecting the other person to die. What I've realized is that the 50 50 thing is really more like 100, 100. Sometimes one partner is going to be doing something intense, like going through school or a training while the other person is not. And during that time, maybe the other person steps up and does more of the household chores. And then it flips later. This happened for us during my residency, things shifted for me, always cooking dinner to him, making dinners for me. If you eat, you're mindful that you have your own personal goals and tasks and you have your household goals and tasks. Then you give your all as needed. Since we've had a kid and also a family where one parent MI. Is gone sometimes for days at a time for work. Our division of labor is very fluid. When I'm at home, I do a lot more of the homeschooling. Daily parenting household chores in the like, And that's all on him when I'm gone. So accepting the 100, 100 idea is really key for not having resentment and for having longevity in your marriage. Number three. Learn your partner's love language. I have to give a plug for this book and online assessment. I've used this in talks on self knowledge and for coaching clients, but I've really gained a lot of insight out of it personally, too. If you don't know what I'm talking about here, go to the link in the show notes and take the quiz. It's fast, free and easy. The five love languages are words of affirmation. Quality time. Uh, physical touch, acts of service and giving or receiving gifts. I'm a words of affirmation person. It's very clear. It always has been. I've always loved writing and words. I love getting and giving cards. I had pen pals and I even wrote love letters to a boyfriend in high school. Of course, we are biased to think that our love language is everyone else's love language, but this is certainly not the case. And when my husband and I took the quiz, I had a major revelation when his ended up being acts of service. All of a sudden some things that baffled me. Made sense. My husband had always be grudgingly given me cards, but didn't really care about them. But he would also ask me to do things like get him a drink or bring him something or massage his neck or back. And I'd be like, get your own damn drink. Then I realized that that is his love language. So I started trying to do the little things more often without complaining. When I was very sick in the hospital after brain surgery, during my residency. Something I speak about in the beginning of my book, lean out. I remember him coming and going from the hospital to make sure things were okay at home. Like is the lawn okay? Is the dog okay? Are the packages picked up off the porch, et cetera? And my parents were there and they were like, what is he doing? Why is he not sitting here holding your hand? But I knew why I knew he was expressing his love. In his love language. There may be crucial moments in your life when this could really help you out. Kind of like the one I just described. So I encourage everyone to take the quiz and learn their, and their partner's love language. Number four. In order to be a good partner to someone else. You need to know deeply that you are worthy of love. You are worthy of love from yourself and from your partner. For a long time, I had insecurities based out of a lack of self-love. When you don't fully love yourself and accept yourself. You kind of have this background feeling like when is this person going to screw me over? It's sad to say, but it's true. I also would be scared to talk to him about anything that I thought he might react negatively to. It took me having a major health crisis and staring my own mortality in the face to finally gain my own. Self-compassion. When you do gain self-compassion, you will also gain competence to communicate with your partner, to have the difficult conversations. Please don't wait until something bad happens to you. Like it did me. To love yourself. If you don't love yourself now, do some inner work on self-compassion. I will link some resources for you in the show notes. And lastly, number five. Similar to number four, you must do the work on yourself. If you want to be a good partner. Expecting another person to meet your needs will at times leave you with unmet expectations and that's a recipe for resentment. You have no control over another person's thoughts, feelings, and actions, but you do have that for yourself. Over the 25 plus years I have been with my husband. I have definitely been a work in progress. And luckily he's stuck with me through all my insecurities and learning moments. It's only been in the last 10 to 15 years with a big inflection point around the time that I got very sick. That I've really done a lot of work on myself. Through consuming personal development resources like books and podcasts. Practicing mindfulness regularly spending time by myself in stillness or reflection. And coaching. Both self coaching and coaching with others. It has caused a noticeable shift to me and to him. It takes a lot of time and regular practice, but it can happen. So there you have it. The five concepts that I think have really contributed to the longevity of my marriage. And note that they're all things that you have control over. You can work on them. They do not require another person to do anything. Except maybe take the 10 minute love language quiz. I hope you found this helpful today. Let me know what you think. If you have anything to add, or if you agree or disagree with any of my points, I'd love to know. You can comment on social media posts for this episode. And you can also leave a comment on the corresponding blog posts for the episode that is housed@practicebalance.com. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast. If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier. If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services. You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker. Have a great day and we'll see you next time