Lean Out Podcast

Solocast: On the Other Side of No

• Dawn Baker • Season 2 • Episode 21

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In this episode, Dawn Baker talks about what to do when you find yourself the recipient of a No. Do you make No mean something about your self-worth? Listen to hear tips about how to deal when you experience rejection.

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Welcome to the lean out podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Don baker. Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance? You've come to the right. Place. For inspiration. information. and a community. community. of like-minded. Professionals. Let's get to the show. Hello? Hello. Thanks for being here. It's still summer and I'm still in the midst of doing quite a bit of clinical work. So I'm bringing you another solo cast this week. And pretty soon I'll be back with some very inspiring interviews and I've gotten more on tap that I'm recording next month. So stay tuned for those. As a work-life balance advocate and coach, I talked to people a lot about placing boundaries. Boundaries are basically ways that you say no to things you don't want to do or things that are not aligned with your values or current priorities. I even have a whole section in my book, lean out about crafty ways that you can learn to say no to things you don't want to do. But how can you deal with the nose when you're on the receiving end? I've recently been the recipient of several nos. It's been kind of a running theme. For instance, no, I don't want to invest time and money on coaching with you. Sometimes this no is actually a not right now, now. And I have had people change their minds. In fact recently I've had two people do that, But definitely I have my share of nos and people that inquire about my coaching services. another one. No, you can't add a particular work week that fits into your travel and play schedule. We don't need extra people during that time. So remember I work as a per diem anesthesiologists, and recently this happened they're very desperate for people in certain weeks, but then in other weeks they aren't because no one is on vacation. And sometimes those weeks happen to coincide with the times that I would like to work. Here's another one. No, we don't want you to speak at our event. We aren't interested in your particular talk ideas. This go round. This has happened to me three times over the course of this summer, actually. I was invited to give a talk at a society meeting and then was told no, after I pitched the topic that I wanted to speak about. I was also told no for a large women's conference. And I was recently told no for a conference. I have spoken at multiple times in previous years. Another, no, that is adjacent to me. I have a coaching client who had recently been negotiating to get a change in her work schedule. Her particular proposal was met with a no. So you can imagine that we were a bit disappointed. However, there are some options and it is an ongoing negotiation. Lastly, there is something that has recently happen to me. And I would be remiss if I do not talk about the nose associated with it. I was in a car accident. a really long story, but the important part is that no one on either side was hurt. So the nos associated with that are no, even though you were the one who was hit, you're not getting out of this car accident without a ticket. No, we cannot replace one blown out tire on an all wheel drive vehicle. You have to replace them all at the same time. And no, we cannot give you an on the spot estimate for your body work and have your car done in a few days so that you can go take it to work. The next possible time that we can even start working on your car is more than a week and a half from now. I even got a no, we can't rent you a car. We have no cars available until halfway through the next week. When I am supposed to be working 200 miles away. Side note after shopping around at the limited options in my small town, I was able to find a rental car so I could go on my work trip. So you have to assume that as you learn to say no to people to preserve your own self-interests other people are also going to say no to you. How do you deal with getting nos? Today. I'd like to give you a few tips that have helped me to still feel good about myself and what I'm doing in the face of a no. Number one. If there is still a negotiation to be had, figure out the BATNA. BATNA stands for best alternative to negotiated agreement. And this idea comes from a book called getting to yes, written by Roger Fisher and William Ury. It is a great book, all about negotiation that was written probably 30, some odd years ago. The idea is if your negotiation reaches an impasse. What is going to be your next best move. It's important to understand that. And it can run the gamut. It might be accepting the no, or the status quo and just seeing what happens. It might be changing jobs or leaving a particular role. In the case of my coaching client, we are investigating these and many other options. William Ury went on to write a sequel called getting to yes with yourself, which I feel is a very important book because it talks a lot about the inner work and how we ourselves are. What holds us back in many negotiations in life. So in that book, he refers to your inner BATNA. It is the ability within you to know that there is always an alternative. That you will be. Okay. No matter what. That you can weather the negative emotions. You can experience a letdown and unmet expectations and come out of it, knowing that you have your own back. There are some things that you need to have in place for this such as self knowledge, self compassion, mindfulness, all of the components, basically of confidence. So remember to think about your BATNA. When you are met with a no, that might involve a negotiation. Number two. Identify your true feelings. If you're one of those people, when someone's has how you're feeling and your like, I'm good, I'm bad, I'm mad, I'm sad. And you're not good at figuring out what you're actually feeling in a particular moment. Trust me. When I say that spending a little time, identifying your true feelings will really make you feel better. There is F MRI research that shows effect labeling can help dissipate the actual emotions that you're feeling. If you need some tools for doing this. I often recommend. A thing called a feeling wheel. And it's something that you can just look at or download on the internet. If you search the term feelings wheel. You will find Different wheels that have different labels and just take one you like and get in the habit of using it. There's another tool that is an app called how we feel. It is a free app that uses a quadrant system. There's four quadrants and they are high energy positive, high energy, negative. Low energy positive or low energy negative. So if you can figure out which quadrant you're in, then you can pinpoint a little more detail on what the actual feeling is that you're feeling. And then once you choose a feeling on the app, you can journal about it and you can also discuss what the circumstances are that are associated with having that feeling., And you can refer to it at a later date. Once you identify what you're feeling, you might want to analyze the thoughts that are behind those feelings. Because those thoughts might actually not be true. Like just because someone says no to you, does that mean that they think you're stupid or that you're not worthy or that you don't know what you're doing? Probably not. Check out the solo cast. That's titled getting a bad review. If you want a little more information on that and I will link it in the show notes. You can also do some expressive writing. You write down the feelings you're experiencing without judging your writing style or the substance of your writing. You will feel the feelings while you are writing them down. And I did this when we came to the end of our infertility journey a couple of years ago. And I wrote about it in a particular article on the blog. I will link to that article in the show notes. It was super helpful for me on a very particularly difficult day. Number three. Get a different perspective. There are a couple of ways you can do this. You might take the perspective of the person saying no. For instance, I can take the perspective of the different conference organizers. For the one where I've spoken before, perhaps they just want some new faces in their speaker lineup. For the others, perhaps my message. Isn't quite right for their community after all they know their audience much better than I do. The other perspective you can take is one where it's your perspective, but you're removed from the situation. You have a different vantage point. So for instance, you can take the perspective of gratitude. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to do some amazing talks in the past. A majority of the weeks I've spent in my anesthesia job were ones that I chose far ahead of time. And I'm grateful for the freedom that the job I have typically gives me in that way. I'm also really grateful for my health. I may have a new car that got a ton of body damage, but. No one on either side of the car accident was hurt and it could have been much different. If one little thing was different, maybe it could have not happened, but also it could have been a much worse outcome and I'm really grateful that it wasn't. I hope these ideas are helpful for you. The next time you come up against a rash of nos. Remember being told? No does not mean anything about you, your value or the validity of your vision for the things you want to do and be. As always, thanks so much for listening and I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast. If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier. If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services. You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker. Have a great day and we'll see you next