Human Being vs. Human Doing

In this episode, Dawn Baker shares Chapter 6 of her book Lean Out: A Professional Woman's Guide to Finding Authentic Work-Life Balance. This chapter is titled, Human Being vs. Human Doing. It touches on the essence of what it means to be human, how to be authentic at work and home, and how to remember "who you really are."

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Transcript

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Welcome to the lean out podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Don baker. Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance? You've come to the right. Place. For inspiration. information. and a community. community. of like-minded. Professionals. Let's get to the show. Hello? Hello. Thanks for being here. Today, I'm sharing another chapter in my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work life balance. This chapter is chapter six and it's titled human being versus human. Doing. What do you say when someone asks you, so what do you do? It's such a loaded question. And our culture, we associate what we do for work with who we are first and foremost, much of the time. This chapter challenges, the norm, it gives you a perspective that personally, I find so freeing. As a human, you are simply here to be not to do. The doing is secondary. I also talk in this chapter about the importance of authenticity. When you approach your work with authenticity, others will be drawn to your endeavors and want to support you naturally. I also take you on a journey to somewhere. You probably haven't been in quite a while. Your childhood. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment on the blog post associated with this episode@practicebalance.com or send me a DM on Instagram at practice balance. Thanks. Part Two. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. W. H. Murray. Chapter Six. Human being versus human doing. It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. E. E. Cummings. Figuring out who you really are is foundational to leaning out. Living life by your rules instead of defaulting to someone else's work ethic and culture requires a deep understanding of yourself. So, who are you, really? What do you say when people ask you to describe yourself? Likely you start off with physical descriptors. Then you might mention your job and maybe some of the other titles you hold, such as wife, mother, friend, etc. When asked how to describe who he really is, Author Jason Reynolds said, We're each just the person in the shower, the place where we're naked and washed clean of everything. We are who we are when no one else is looking and we're doing nothing. Just imagine how your true self is revealed when you're doing nothing. All the doing, all the striving, all the accomplishments, titles, and embellishments are removed. Spiritual expert Eckhart Tolle said, The joy of being, which is the only true happiness, cannot come to you through any form, possession, achievement, person, or event. It emanates from the formless dimension within you, from consciousness itself, and thus is one with who you are. We start out this way. As we grow up, we form personality traits and default thought patterns. We also naturally begin to develop a protective armor around our core. This is often referred to as the ego. The ego is basically the part of us that thinks. The ego is not to be confused with having an ego, such as being arrogant or narcissistic. It is the part of us attached to our physical forms, the roles we play in life, and the things around us. It is the sense of self that is completely identified with our thoughts. Think back to your earliest years of school. We typically begin to form our longer term episodic memories around age 4 or 5. However, it is typically not until age 8 or 9 that the ego begins to form. When I recall this time of my life, I envision a girl running around in a rainbow striped swimsuit on a hot California summer day, playing with her little sister on the lawn. The Beach Boys, Chicago, or Crosby, Stills, and Nash are blaring over the patio speakers. Why are these details important? They're not, except to say that the elements of the scene are part of who I am. Outdoors, movement, play, music, warm sunny days, family. These kinds of elements make up who you are. In contrast, you are not the typical way you likely describe yourself. This is the scaffolding your ego has formed. Appearance, abilities, jobs, titles, accomplishments, possessions. What do you do? Seeing yourself through your ego lens is one thing. The common question, what do you do, goes a step further. It is a deeply rooted signal in lean in culture that assumes doing is of paramount importance. Your profession is only one tiny part of you. Only one part of what others see from the outside. There is also the entire you on the inside. We are human beings, not human doings. We are not defined by our jobs, our achievements, our possessions, nor our titles. Achievements are amazing, satisfying, and something to be celebrated. But we must learn to honor our roles and functions in the world without becoming totally identified with them. You have an inherently beautiful essence. It's an essence that's still present, even after all these years of triumphs and failures, of choices that led you down very specific paths and made you who you think you are today. If someone asks you to talk about yourself, what do you say? What go to forms automatically come out of your mouth? They're a part of you, but they are not you. All you really have to say when someone asks is, I am. The art of detachment. To truly see yourself and live for yourself alone, you must peel away the scaffolding that has formed around you. Doing this might sound theoretical or daunting. Tully has also said, If you cannot look through this collective delusion, you will be condemned to chasing after things for the rest of your life, in the vein of hoping to find your worth. I find it easiest to think about the concept of detachment in terms of appearance. When I first learned of this concept, I asked myself, What would I do if I became disabled or disfigured like many of the patients I have cared for? Seeing myself as an attractive young woman, would it bother me if people no longer paid me compliments? How would I handle the inevitable loss of my own form? Looking back, these questions foreshadowed my biggest lesson in detachment, a cancer diagnosis. During the time when I lived off the high of being a new physician, my body was already breaking. Something foreign was inside of me, a tumor slowly growing and overtaking my optic nerve. When it manifested as issues at work, fatigue, lack of focus, burnout, and at home, infertility, marital strife, depression, I developed a deep self hatred. Why was I having so much trouble in residency when all my colleagues seemed to be doing fine? Why was I the weak one? I was stuck in my ego and blind to what was happening around me. However, with the dramatic diagnosis came detachment. Despite the uncertainty of what was ahead for me, I was overcome with gratitude. I'm so grateful I found out what was causing me to feel so bad for so long. I'm so grateful it wasn't a deadly kind of tumor. I'm so grateful my cancer can be cured with surgery alone. I'm so grateful medical technology exists that allow me to continue living and to become a mother without a pituitary gland. You can start to detach from your ego by practicing three things. Gratitude, self compassion, and mindfulness. Remind yourself of what you're grateful for when you're struggling, but don't forget to do it when things are going well too. Accept yourself as you are in the present moment. It is perfectly okay to accept and yet still want to change your circumstances. Finally, let go of past and future thinking to help you separate from your ego and recognize your inherent joy and creativity, much needed elements for designing your life. Your Authentic Self. I used to have a vast closet full of clothes. I spent hours poring over the trends in fashion magazines, and I lived for the thrill of shopping. We even built a huge walk in closet space when we expanded our basement. There sat rows of embellished sweaters, pencil skirts, and beautiful silk dresses. In the middle of the closet was a set of open pull out shelves where I displayed my 50 plus pairs of shoes. Many of them beautiful sculptures with heels and sparkles. One day, while standing in the center of the closet, I realized that many of my shoes were out of place, collecting dust next to other fancy clothes I might have only worn once or twice. I was an anesthesiologist, after all, a profession that requires wearing a uniform of mere pajamas. I was a rock climber and a yogi who had lived in RVs, vans, and huts in Nepal. At this stage, most of my non working time was filled with joyful family moments, Getting to know my new baby, and exercising. Why did I need all those skirts and heels for a life I didn't lead? I wanted to love them, but when I wore them, they just felt uncomfortable. Forced. Living an inauthentic life is like trying to navigate your day in a confining skirt and pointy toed stilettos. When all you really want deep down is to wear your most broken in jeans and a pair of soft sneakers. On my path to leaning out, I let go of the fashionable image I thought I wanted for something simpler and downsized. Later that year, we moved to another home that had regular sliding door closets, and I got rid of all that stuff. A few years after that, we lived in a small two bedroom condo before we purchased our dream mountain property where we live today. Which so far only has a tiny house on wheels and no closet. All my clothes now fit in small piles on one shelf. What kind of shoes are you allowing yourself to wear right now? Do they fit the life you really want to lead? It's fine to appreciate and wear fancy shoes, but are you choosing them for yourself? Or is someone else choosing them for you? Authenticity versus professionalism. Some elements of lean in culture reek of inauthenticity, particularly saying yes to all opportunities and ignoring any nagging voices with urgings to lean out. If you are accepting the status quo because you think you should or because you believe you don't have the abilities to do anything different, you are not being your authentic self. If you are living by others definitions of success, wellness, and balance, you are not living your authentic life. Authenticity is at the root of happiness, creativity, and productivity. Pretending to be someone else while you're at work is a recipe for burnout and stress related illness. In addition, if you are chasing perfectionism and upholding an image of invulnerability, you are living inauthentically. We walk the line of being professional, which requires some level of detachment from emotion to perform objectively. and sharing our humanness with our patients, clients, and other co workers. Instead of adhering to a rigid standard, it should be up to each person to decide how to navigate that line. Showing even just a sliver of your humanity at work is the first step toward changing this culture. In my investigation of women physicians experiences navigating infertility treatments while working, many of them commented that they regretted keeping their treatments a A few even mentioned being reprimanded by supervisors for requesting vacation without adequate notice or taking unplanned absences. A surgeon recounted her experience operating on a long workday while actively miscarrying. This kind of inauthenticity adds more stress to an already stressful situation, and it prevents better, more human centered policymaking at work. Ironically, as mentioned previously, Research shows that when we reveal vulnerable parts of ourselves to others, it increases our likability. To find your authenticity, return to your values. Psychologist Adam Grant said, Being genuine is closing the gap between what you value and what you express. Lastly, your authentic self is most invested in your greatest asset, you. Your authentic self wants to invest in you. To find purpose, clarify values, stay active and well, and identify sustainable habits of self care. Your authentic self thinks critically about the situation and openly wonders if there is a better option. Your authentic self knows what's most important. Be you. Being who you are at both work and home bucks the tradition in a much needed way. It fosters agency, which is a key factor for preventing burnout. It draws out the authenticity in others. It endears others toward your endeavors, whatever beautiful mess they might make. When you are authentic, people will sense the positive energy in you. They will want to help you and cheer you on. Who you are will become your guiding light through the uncertainty of leaning out. Exercise. Childhood Picture Visualization. Adapted from a mental fitness training exercise by Shirzad Shamin, founder of Positive Intelligence. Find a picture of yourself, either in print or digital format. Some of us had a happy childhood. While some of us had a not so happy childhood. If there has been trauma in your past, please don't take yourself to a scene of trauma. Try to find a moment of joy and happiness in your memories of childhood. If you cannot think of one, make up a scene with you as a happy child. Sit in a comfortable position and focus on your breath for a couple of minutes. When you're ready, take a look at your childhood picture. Now envision a scene from your past where you are a happy child. Sometime in your life before age 10, notice what is happening in this scene. Notice who's there, what the environment is like, what expression you have on your face. Notice as many details as you can. See yourself as your original true self, the beautiful being you were intended to be. Choose some words or adjectives that describe the beautiful being in this scene. Notice how this being is worthy of all the unconditional love in the world. Notice that this being does not need to earn love, does not need to work for love, does not need to prove anything. This being is worthy, just as she is. This is who you really are. And you get to give this being the love she deserves. Only you, as the adult you are now, can give that kind of unconditional love to yourself. This being has always deserved it, but she might not have necessarily received it. And you get to begin to do that now. Notice how beautiful this being is. Notice how worthy of unconditional love this being is. This is the unchanging you. This is the true you. You're a special being and you get to remember who you are. Margot's journey. Everybody has to find their own path but I wish I'd had more confidence in my own voice earlier. Margot grew up traveling the world with her family. As a young woman she developed her own core values of adventure and curiosity for experiencing new things. At the same time, her midwestern Arkansas upbringing deeply instilled in her the importance of community and relationships. That sense of adventure led her to big city life after law school. Margo wanted to experience the big city, but she didn't necessarily want the life of big law. I never wanted to work for the big corporate firm, to be a cog in that wheel, she said. Knowing that she desired closer client relationships, she chose a small boutique law firm as her first professional workplace. After shifting to another boutique firm a couple years later, she realized that what she was doing wasn't much different than the big firms, except for the salary. When Margo was approached about her intentions for partnership, she realized she really wanted to be in a smaller community. Have a more balanced work life situation and move to a place where I could have a house and a dog. She decided to take a gap year in search of the perfect small town that checked all her boxes. Margot was no stranger to taking gap years. During college, she had spent a year traveling to Africa and working at Epcot Center in Florida. Between college and law school, she spent several months in Australia. Having positioned many different sabbaticals into my own life since college, sometimes to the dismay of others, Margot was able to Margot is a woman after my own heart. During Margot's most recent gap year, she spent time in Thailand before setting off on a Western States quest to find her perfect mountain town. She settled on Bozeman, which offered good outdoor and work opportunities, was affordable, and had a college. Check and check. She found a job with a local small firm by simply contacting all the practicing attorneys in the area and asking to talk to them about what it was like to practice there. Did she receive any pushback about the gaps on her resume? No, only one person was skeptical that I would like it enough to keep living here, she said. There were no questions about her skills or lost work time. Not only did moving to a small town help Margot develop the closer relationships with clients that she craved, she also quickly formed a network of professional women friends. Through one of them, she met her husband. When they got married, she was in her late 30s. Luckily, she was able to have one child at age 40 without the help of infertility treatments. I know many women who have struggled, she said. Motherhood challenged Margo to again rethink what she wanted out of her law career. Although she loved the clients she had developed, she desired more control over her schedule. Little by little, she began to transition her caseload from litigation to transactional. Then she opened her own firm. Today, Margo continues to value her client relationships in a solo practice that offers complete control and portability. When her mother broke her hip and needed help with home rehabilitation, Margo was able to make the cross country drive with her son on summer break from school to help with the rehabilitation process while still tending to client matters. None of them really knew the difference. Thank goodness I had that flexibility, she said. When asked what advice she'd give to other attorneys stuck on the treadmill of achievement, Margot's advice is simple, but not necessarily easy. Find your own path. Figure out what brings you joy. Build relationships. Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast. If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier. If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services. You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker. Have a great day and we'll see you next time