Lean Out Podcast

Solocast: The Scars Are Inevitable

• Dawn Baker • Season 3 • Episode 2

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In this solocast episode, Dawn Baker discusses how we all have scars, both physical and mental. Our scars serve as reminders of mistakes, vehicles for finding meaning, and markers of living a full, wild life. Enjoy this beautiful reflection!

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Welcome to the lean out podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Don baker. Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance? You've come to the right. Place. For inspiration. information. and a community. community. of like-minded. Professionals. Let's get to the show. Hello? Hello. Thanks for being here. I have absolutely loved doing this podcast. And thank you so much for coming with me on the journey and for listening all this time. If you feel so inclined, you could give me a great present by going to iTunes and leaving a review for this show. It really helps podcasts get more visibility and rise in the search rankings for people who are looking for relevant content. And in addition to that, I would really personally like your feedback. What do you most enjoy about the show? What do you want to hear more of leave this information in your review? Today. I want to talk about something that is really about being real. An important thing to remember during all of the goals and the new year's resolutions and those kinds of things. So, what I want to talk about is scars. We all have them. Your scars might be physical. And they might be something that live inside. You. Once I figured out what was truly wrong with me as a burned out medical resident who was neglecting her own self-care. I had to undergo surgery to remove a very large pituitary tumor. They can send to me for a craniotomy in case they couldn't get the tumor out through my nose, but luckily they were able to do the whole for our operation without drilling into my head, otherwise I would have even more scars. But besides just a little Nick on my nostril from the scope the neurosurgeons were using. I woke up with a two to three inch diagonal scar on my belly. That's where they did a little mini lipo to make a fat graft that plugged the hole that they made in my brain. Only this lipo wasn't done by plastic surgeons. It was done by neurosurgery residents at the end of the case. And the closure honestly looked like it too. If you know what I mean. Let me tell you that scar was problematic during my recovery. It became hard and red and it stuck out from my belly, like a little foreign object, not like part of me. It morphed from being sore to itchy. And then eventually the hardness became a little smooth shelf. It finally integrated into my body. The thing is I see this scar every single day still. Now, when I get dressed, It's just right there. Right? When you look down to put your pants on. It's been more than 10 years, but it still serves as a reminder, it reminds me of my past mistakes and self care. It reminds me of the moments I learned of my diagnosis. Of the mix of disbelief and fear, but also relief. And a real wash of self compassion and love. It reminds me of when it was all laid out on the table who really supported me. And it reminds me that I can undergo hard things and survive and that I don't ever want to not live deliberately. I also have an example of an internal scar. One that I got when I was only seven years old. We had an exchange student who graduated from high school while she was living with us. And we all went to the graduation ceremony at the local high school. The ceremony was held on a football field. And when it was over, everyone rushed down from the bleachers and onto the field to give congratulatory, hugs and whatnot. Well, in that commotion, I got separated from my parents. It was probably one of my earliest memories of sheer terror I rolled around and I couldn't see anyone. I knew. I just saw a sea of people. There were people rushing all around me. And all I remember was starting to cry. Eventually the crowd dissipated a bit. And our exchange students, boyfriend actually found me and took me to my parents. It was super scary. And I think this scene still lives inside my brain to this day. I have been known to have anxiety dreams where I'm lost or left behind. Nowadays, it usually involves the ladder. And I think there's more to this like that scar of getting separated from my pack of people stayed in my mind, even as I grew up and longed desperately to fit in with the crowd. I wanted people to like me as I was growing up and being a young adult. I lived on the treadmill of achievement in order to receive praise. It wasn't until this physical scar and mentioned earlier on my belly happened to me that I was able to separate my own self-worth from fitting in with the pack. These are just a couple of my scar stories. I'm sure there are others. What are yours? I know you have them. And another question to ponder. Have you ever been the giver of scars or just the receiver? If you're a parent, you will give them to. I'm sure of it. I actually got the title of this solo cast from a balanced bites podcast episode. I recently listened to. I'll put the link in the show notes because it was a great conversation. In short, the host of the show and her pediatrician wrote a book together about self care for mothers, and they were talking about all the modern parenting anxiety. The things parents are worried about. Well, I score my kids for life. Funny enough. They were like, yes, yes, you will. Probably not the way you're thinking, but with some other random thing, And then they said it, the scars are inevitable. I know my parents did not mean for me to get lost that day on the football field, but it definitely affected me. I'm sure I've done things or said things offhand already that will live in my nine-year-olds a brain forever. Bottom line. If you're a parent, like I am, I think we need to give ourselves grace. If you're not a parent, but you're a spouse or a daughter or son or a good friend, you also need grace. We mess up and scars are formed. So how can we live with these scars? Along the lines of grace comes radical. Acceptance. This is a term championed by meditation teacher and leader Tara Brock. And there is an awesome book of the same name that I will link in the show notes. Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting circumstances beyond our control without judging them. You acknowledge the difficult emotions around a situation without pushing them away, which in turn relieves some of the suffering. It's a simple idea, but it is not necessarily easy. One thing to note is that radical acceptance does not mean you agree or comply with the situation. It just is. In my upcoming confidence course, I have a lesson on mental agility. This concept also called emotional agility. By psychologist, Susan David. Teaches us to ride the waves of our emotions instead of judging, trying to push them away, labeling them as good or bad or any other common practices that keep us stuck. Being able to separate yourself from what you're feeling and to de identify, but still let the feelings be there. Is key in my mind for scar management. And lastly, you have the ability to create your own meaning. Meaning is an interpretation of past events like those surrounding the scar. You can see yourself as a victim, or you can see yourself as a hero in your own journey. This is simplistic. I know, but imagine if you can change your interpretation of something bad that happened to you to give it another meaning. There's no reason you can't do this. I don't remember exactly where I heard this story. It was one of Amy Morin's podcast episodes, or her book, 13 things, mentally strong people. Don't do. But she told the story of a little boy who had survived a horrific bus accident. Though we had significant disabilities. His parents brought him to therapy, extremely concerned that the accident was basically going to scar him for life and cause PTSD and all sorts of badness. They were even more anxious about this obviously than the child was, but through therapy, he actually ended up making a little picture book, reenacting the accident that portrayed him as some sort of hero. And the bus was like a monster or something. This was the story he wanted to remember about his accident. So in summary. The scars are inevitable. We will get them and we will give them. The upside to this whole thing is that if you have no scars, then that means you're not taking any risks. You've not lived or grown. No scars equals living in a bubble and there's nothing balanced, happy or meaningful about that. This whole scar thing reminds me of the Velveteen rabbit. I recently read it to my daughter. And it's the first book I remember reading as a kid and being really moved by. I cried while I was reading it. And so the other day, as we were reading, basically halfway through, we were both of course crying. There's a very special section in that book. I'm going to read to you now. What is real ask the rabbit one day. When they were lying, side-by-side near the nursery fender before Nana came to tidy the room. Does it mean having things that buzz inside you or stick out handle? Real isn't how you're made, said the skin horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you. Then you become real. Does it hurt? Ask the rabbit. Sometimes said the skin horse. For, he was always truthful. When you are real, you don't mind being hurt. Does it happen all at once? Like being wound up, he asked or bit by bit. It doesn't happen all at once said the skin horse. You become, it takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real, you can't be ugly. Except to people who don't understand. I hope you enjoyed this episode Being real means having lived and having loved. And that means having scars. As always. Please find links in the show notes and leave a review. If you're so inclined, I would really appreciate it. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast. If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier. If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services. You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker. Have a great day and we'll see you next time